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| Drawing by Jessica a Nicholl |
We all have a fight to fight. We all have a mountain to
climb, a giant to face, and a destination we want to arrive at…but sometimes, somewhere
along the line we either give up or continue fighting. Honestly, I can say that
I have done that, I have given up and I can add that what I had planned for my
life is not where I am right now and that is okay. I’m alive and still fighting
the good fight. Same as it probably is for many other people…so my thing is
this: How do we recognize a fight? And even more so, how do we know how to
fight? One such a battle I had to fight was the feeling of complete abandonment
and loneliness…it was (and still is) like a ‘never-ending pit of sorrow and
gloom’… it would come over me when I least expect it, whether I’m happy or not,
particularly when I’m stressed, anxious and scared but not limited to, I would
suddenly start feeling very jittery. I would feel the need to eat something but
can’t because nothing I can think of will be able to satisfy what I’m craving
for. I would want to do something but nothing I can think of can tame what I’m feeling.
I’d just feel bleh! Like nothing makes sense. I wouldn’t know what it was that
I was going through, just an extreme sense of confusion, a weird sense of suffering
and also feeling like there is no way to ever get out of it, like the feeling
after a break-up, some might even say they are mildly depressed. My previous
two blog entries (‘Misery’ and ‘Disposition’) are extensions of my thoughts in
poetic form, surrounding this…
Many people have at one time or another gone through such a
dilemma in their lives, the deep feeling of being lost and alone. And as I have
said I sometimes still do…I also know that it is not as it is thought out to
be…and I know how to recognize it. Loneliness knows us very well, and it is
real, in fact it’s always just waiting for the next opportunity to stopover… I
have found myself caught in the hands of loneliness so many times that it
resulted in me using mind altering substances to ease the load…and it worked
for the time being(or so I thought); especially when I found myself newly
single as well as dealing with the issue of rejection. My need to use was well
assisted by the need to want to be alone and that was very much welcomed and
entertained by my need to ‘be high’. It gave me time and ‘license’ to think,
which I did, but since I’ve stopped, my thinking has been really great. I can’t
say clearer, but I can say great. I mean I’m even blogging. Don’t get me wrong I still get those days and
those feelings of loneliness; I also just know how to deal with it better
nowadays.
The feeling of extreme loneliness is not as uncommon as one
might think, I almost want to say that it is kind of part of being human, like
being hungry or experiencing physical pain or being in love…we just need to be
able to recognize when we are in that state and learn how to deal with it
appropriately by educating ourselves surrounding it. I think one of the biggest
problems we have is that people don’t want to come across as being weak if they
say they are experiencing this or they feel like their problems are way smaller
than other people’s. Trying to cope and deal with it alone for too long can
worsen the feeling, which I feel can lead to full blown depression caused by
the imbalance of just feeding your body with anything to try and satisfy this
great need (e.g. stuffing their faces with food, succumbing to addictions or
just plain old falling in love which is a chemical imbalance in any case). Instead of speaking to someone or sharing
their experiences with others, many people turn to their usual routines to deal
with loneliness, alone, and if they are like me they’ll turn to food or maybe
worse get drunk, smoke, use mind altering substances, flirt with the forbidden
fruit (someone else’s girl), cheat, self-mutilation, acting needy, become gym freaks (to gym is not
bad), watch endless episodes of series, spending hours on social media, spend
hours on ‘chatting’, watching pornography, acting childish, attention seeking, search for meaning
(significance) by searching for a life partner – all just dangerous and completely
missing the point.
I even want to go as far as saying that a lot of people jump
into the wrong relationships because of this void they feel they need to fill.
I think being in a relationship can be enjoyable and pleasing but if the sole reason
is to fill a void, then no partner, doesn’t matter how great, can ever fill
that, only you can. Someone else can never be the solution to the need. Other
people have flaws and needs too and are just as you are, with feelings just as
yours, and has the same thoughts as you do...they are also afraid and tired and
also just want to have a break.
I think the key is, and it has been for me, to face the moments
we feel alone and address them for what they are: our mind just needing some
attention or a distraction, so keep it occupied with tangible things, learn
something new like an instrument or a language or read or run or gym or just
jump into your creative side… It is of utmost importance for us to be able to
recognize the moments that we are weak and to become strong in them, the
victory lies in that. Loneliness can come and it shall no longer get the better
of me, it’ll still come and try, but I’ll know how it looks and I’ll just give
it the cold shoulder…so in my time of need I shall not be looking at beauty for
my affirmation and masculinity, nor shall I turn to my addictions to have the
load taken off, nor shall I get myself drowned in timeless efforts of wasting
time by doing seemingly trivial things, but I shall look it straight in the eye
and be victorious. The important thing is to respect the process, go through
the tough times, fight and experience the pain because the pain is what makes
us who we are. We are not meant to be kept prisoner by illusions in our minds.
We need to break free. We need to fight. And that my friend is an everyday
process. For me, as a Christian, I fully rely on God to be my inspiration and
on Him to fill any emptiness I have. But in general, I do think that good discipline
and sound ideologies are invaluable qualities needed for the transformation and
liberation from loneliness. And we just need to live them out.
