I do it because I'm lonely...and so do you...

Drawing by Jessica a Nicholl

We all have a fight to fight. We all have a mountain to climb, a giant to face, and a destination we want to arrive at…but sometimes, somewhere along the line we either give up or continue fighting. Honestly, I can say that I have done that, I have given up and I can add that what I had planned for my life is not where I am right now and that is okay. I’m alive and still fighting the good fight. Same as it probably is for many other people…so my thing is this: How do we recognize a fight? And even more so, how do we know how to fight? One such a battle I had to fight was the feeling of complete abandonment and loneliness…it was (and still is) like a ‘never-ending pit of sorrow and gloom’… it would come over me when I least expect it, whether I’m happy or not, particularly when I’m stressed, anxious and scared but not limited to, I would suddenly start feeling very jittery. I would feel the need to eat something but can’t because nothing I can think of will be able to satisfy what I’m craving for. I would want to do something but nothing I can think of can tame what I’m feeling. I’d just feel bleh! Like nothing makes sense. I wouldn’t know what it was that I was going through, just an extreme sense of confusion, a weird sense of suffering and also feeling like there is no way to ever get out of it, like the feeling after a break-up, some might even say they are mildly depressed. My previous two blog entries (‘Misery’ and ‘Disposition’) are extensions of my thoughts in poetic form, surrounding this… 

Many people have at one time or another gone through such a dilemma in their lives, the deep feeling of being lost and alone. And as I have said I sometimes still do…I also know that it is not as it is thought out to be…and I know how to recognize it. Loneliness knows us very well, and it is real, in fact it’s always just waiting for the next opportunity to stopover… I have found myself caught in the hands of loneliness so many times that it resulted in me using mind altering substances to ease the load…and it worked for the time being(or so I thought); especially when I found myself newly single as well as dealing with the issue of rejection. My need to use was well assisted by the need to want to be alone and that was very much welcomed and entertained by my need to ‘be high’. It gave me time and ‘license’ to think, which I did, but since I’ve stopped, my thinking has been really great. I can’t say clearer, but I can say great. I mean I’m even blogging.  Don’t get me wrong I still get those days and those feelings of loneliness; I also just know how to deal with it better nowadays.  

The feeling of extreme loneliness is not as uncommon as one might think, I almost want to say that it is kind of part of being human, like being hungry or experiencing physical pain or being in love…we just need to be able to recognize when we are in that state and learn how to deal with it appropriately by educating ourselves surrounding it. I think one of the biggest problems we have is that people don’t want to come across as being weak if they say they are experiencing this or they feel like their problems are way smaller than other people’s. Trying to cope and deal with it alone for too long can worsen the feeling, which I feel can lead to full blown depression caused by the imbalance of just feeding your body with anything to try and satisfy this great need (e.g. stuffing their faces with food, succumbing to addictions or just plain old falling in love which is a chemical imbalance in any case).  Instead of speaking to someone or sharing their experiences with others, many people turn to their usual routines to deal with loneliness, alone, and if they are like me they’ll turn to food or maybe worse get drunk, smoke, use mind altering substances, flirt with the forbidden fruit (someone else’s girl), cheat, self-mutilation, acting needy, become gym freaks (to gym is not bad), watch endless episodes of series, spending hours on social media, spend hours on ‘chatting’, watching pornography, acting childish, attention seeking, search for meaning (significance) by searching for a life partner – all just dangerous and completely missing the point. 

I even want to go as far as saying that a lot of people jump into the wrong relationships because of this void they feel they need to fill. I think being in a relationship can be enjoyable and pleasing but if the sole reason is to fill a void, then no partner, doesn’t matter how great, can ever fill that, only you can. Someone else can never be the solution to the need. Other people have flaws and needs too and are just as you are, with feelings just as yours, and has the same thoughts as you do...they are also afraid and tired and also just want to have a break. 

I think the key is, and it has been for me, to face the moments we feel alone and address them for what they are: our mind just needing some attention or a distraction, so keep it occupied with tangible things, learn something new like an instrument or a language or read or run or gym or just jump into your creative side… It is of utmost importance for us to be able to recognize the moments that we are weak and to become strong in them, the victory lies in that. Loneliness can come and it shall no longer get the better of me, it’ll still come and try, but I’ll know how it looks and I’ll just give it the cold shoulder…so in my time of need I shall not be looking at beauty for my affirmation and masculinity, nor shall I turn to my addictions to have the load taken off, nor shall I get myself drowned in timeless efforts of wasting time by doing seemingly trivial things, but I shall look it straight in the eye and be victorious. The important thing is to respect the process, go through the tough times, fight and experience the pain because the pain is what makes us who we are. We are not meant to be kept prisoner by illusions in our minds. We need to break free. We need to fight. And that my friend is an everyday process. For me, as a Christian, I fully rely on God to be my inspiration and on Him to fill any emptiness I have. But in general, I do think that good discipline and sound ideologies are invaluable qualities needed for the transformation and liberation from loneliness. And we just need to live them out.