Tuesday 12 May 2015

This thing called Adult: Am I doing it right...?






Lately, I have found myself in a very weird space… I’m trying to figure out who I am… In a sense, what is my purpose? …actually, to be fair,  I think that I kind of am getting to a place of knowing who I am, but I just still feel like I should know what I’m supposed to be doing with who I am...and I don’t. A friend recently asked me this very difficult question (well… difficult for me at the time)… it was, ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ I have this idea that it’s a very important question, but for the life of me I just cannot seem to have an answer for it, and most of my friends would know that I sometimes have this way of ‘having’ an answer (even if I make one up)…but not this time…and I kind of still don’t (I think). 


So, the thing is, I found myself thinking about this question quite a bit lately and I have to admit it has been bothering me that I could not (and still cannot) come up with an answer.  What I have done though is, I have narrowed it down to this… you see the difficulty with the question is not really where I see myself in 5 years’ time, no, what it’s really asking me is: ‘Where do I want to see myself in 5 years from now?’, ‘What is the one thing (or things) that I can see myself doing right now that will prepare me for ‘that one thing’ or at least put me in a good position to attain ‘that one thing’…whatever ‘that one thing’ is?’ …now that right there, that is what is causing the difficulty for me, the not knowing what ‘that one thing’ is…and that right there is why it’s so complex to define who I am or what I want to do or be because I do believe that it goes way beyond something that I am just going to be doing, I think it would somewhat also define my purpose. 


The thing is I have often questioned myself about career possibilities that I think I might enjoy; something that I can go home from. These possibilities are things that I think I am fairly adequate at or in the least indefinably interested in e.g.: being a musician, a writer, a teacher, a counseling type person, maybe law just cause it interests me, or should I get involved with organizations that deal with issues such as social development, spiritual growth or political cognizance just because I think I have a moderate interest in them…would that be enough, would me being interested in them be enough to keep me at it, inspire me and even more so…what would the rewards of that be? Would I be reaping befitting rewards? Would I still be staying true to who I am? Or is there a probability that any one of these above mentioned possibilities could be me, or is it something else and if so how will I know? And if it is that one of these matches up, what should I be starting to do now that will set me up to fill that position…? Do I have the means to do so…or is fear causing me to have this limitation? 


A quote from a movie I recently watched got me thinking, the guy said this: ‘A man (or woman) that is confused can easily lose sight of the man he was destined to be…’ …so here I am confused and lost and alone… the thing is this so many people find themselves in this position in their lives, where they evaluate their lives and while some recognize it and step up to the plate and make the most of it, others find themselves stuck in a rut and start entertaining other types of ideas, ideas of being a failure, ideas of losing out on life, being behind in life because of bad choices made or for other various reasons. Then there are also ideas of not fitting in and having no sense of belonging or purpose and then suddenly they are hit with an enormous urgency to restart or worse, continue living their sad unfulfilling lives. As a man, these thoughts of inadequacy can so easily completely rob a man of his sense of masculinity and sense of authenticity and make him feel all sorts of inferior. The concern with this train of thought is that if it is not addressed, it could end up leading to devastating relationships being formed, families being torn apart or worse, kids from these relationships end up getting the wrong end of the deal. 


People who live life with an inferiority complex and disguise it with complacency, or with an unfair acceptance with whom they have become are the worse form of coward (talking to myself here)… and these are exactly the type of people that might find thrills in ‘being young again’, going out to clubs and parties, getting irresponsibly drunk, maybe getting hooked up with drugs or perhaps even just get involved with the wrong men/women. Not a good space to find yourself in. For me, although I have realized that yes, even though I have gotten over some of my insecurities and even though I am done with drugs and alcohol, the truth is that when I’m feeling down and out and stuck in that rut, and uninspired and lonely, the thought of indulging in these substances does pop up and I have to dig deep and work through it and I must admit…it’s tough. It’s tough to face addictions but it gets easier, but I also have to admit that what doesn’t get easier is the need to be with someone, the possibility of having a female companion is so strong, just for the fellowship it offers, just to have someone to comfort me, just to be able to share my insecurities and vulnerabilities with, just to be wanted and mean something to someone. Just to feel safe. And just because it is human nature to want to be partnered up, it can easily slip past our defenses systems, much easier than any prior addictions, it’s as easy as an innocent little ‘aaahh I think I’m in love’ or a ‘wow, she is so beautiful, I think I’m going to marry her’, and our defenses are down …this means that we have to monitor my emotions all the time, I have to know whether what I’m  feeling is real or just emotional hype… and although it’s good to joke around about it…I always have to make sure that I know that it is just a phase or state that I’m going through at that exact moment…even though it might last for days at a time. 

With this constant monitoring I always find myself wondering, ‘When will I meet the real deal?’ …you know? This makes me also slightly aware to not get too caught up and fixed on the idea of reaching my goals first, so that I don’t totally miss out on the opportunity of meeting ‘her’ or even more concerning, that I don’t end up missing out on valuable time that I could have spent with ‘her’… it’s such tricky planes I’m walking on and at the same time it’s so intimidating because I absolutely do not want to choose someone just because I’m vulnerable, or just because she shows interest in me (because this ‘state’ is exactly where and when emotions get the better of us) and especially not if I’m in a position of feeling inadequate and inferior…such as now…lost, confused, alone, stuck and desperate for meaning. The thing is though; I have this idea that before I can even consider being interested in someone, I should at the least know where I’m going, have a plan for me before I can have a vision for us... On top of that, when I do meet someone, I don’t want to make her or the pursuit of her my main purpose, as if that was all I was put here on earth to do. I think I may have done that in my youthful days due to a lack of a positive male role models, peer pressure and the whole sexuality propaganda showered on teens by the media, music and celebrity teevee etcetera etcetera…something I feel many young men and teenagers go through unknowingly and involuntarily, incessantly functioning under the false deceptions of masculinity that is built on the ideas that ‘getting the girl, having the bling and being above the law’ makes you a man;  …at the same time I also do not want to make her plan and purpose, mine.



So let’s see, what am I saying? I was saying that I’m really frustrated with where it is that I’m finding myself  in life, specifically  not knowing where life is taking me and with that thought comes a lot of concerning questions, responsibility and feelings. Feelings of confusion and desperation, questions that can lead to some serious consequences if not dealt with properly… I know that part of this search for meaning and purpose brings with it the question of belonging, belonging to a wife and family, ‘Where do I want to settle and live?’, ‘What are the things that I still want to do?’, ‘Have I accomplished all I that had wished to?’, ‘Am I on my way?’ In reality there are no real set in stone answers for these questions… I mean, I started writing this blog with the intention of getting a real answer but all I really got was a sense of direction, or really just a change in perspective…firstly I know that, it doesn’t matter which occupation I choose or whether I will excel in it, that just comes down to the fact that there is just no substitute for hard work and my attitude towards it will determine whether I enjoy and succeed at it or not… and although I feel that where I am right now might not be where I’ll end up, I do feel that it’s valuable to me right now, who I am right now and where I am going, and therefore I need to make the best of it, right now, for now, for my future…perhaps it’s just part of the journey for right now… and that is the same with regards to finding the love of my life and starting a family…

 

And as I have maybe mentioned in a previous blog, I’m a hopeless romantic, searching for the perfect life with the perfect wife filled with the perfect interesting little stories (much like Ted in ‘How I met your mother’), and I’ll probably get there one day… but I also know that where I am right now is right where I need to be and what I’m learning now is absolutely crucial to who I’m going to be as a husband and a father, a provider, a friend and a confidant…(this doesn’t mean I have to stop searching)… Soooo, instead of me accepting defeat and looking at all of this as limitations and obstacles I’m rather going to start looking at it in ways that I can broaden my possibilities and focus on how I can grow. Grow into who I want to be… Grow into the great guy I see myself to be, a guy with a great family with the great job that I enjoy, and the beauty of it all is that I don’t have to be in any rush… and although it might not ever be perfect, I know that it’ll be perfectly matched up…and that’ll be perfect for me. And even though my dreams and aspirations and goals might still be a while away, I can take heart in the fact that they are closer than what they were a year ago…or even a month ago.





Saturday 2 May 2015

Seasons







Nature, always beautifully conspiring, and the tides call on my name
And as the waves arrive, they say goodbye, so true, so humbled again
With winds that twist, and rattle and shake
No fear shall overcome me, just joy, this noise, I wake

Seasons are all around us, this one, that one, done
To search the search that searchers search; perhaps look to the One
Time is real; one finds it in the words of the seeking,
So lost for words, words lost in mind, most other times it’s leaking...

Ambiguous is love, when it's scared and indecisive and in -
Taking solace in the virtue of hope, hope in a future; begin
Steps we make, grounds we take, conquering fear and death and night
And as uncertainty eradicates, with Spring we find the morning light

Days become weeks become months become years become one
And this day is that day of all days begun.