All I've got is Hope

Anxiety is a funny thing. It robs you. Of everything.  It makes each and every moment a rush and a ruin. Taking the joy out of life all the time. And it makes us not ever get to a place of rest. Sometimes it even feels as if we'll never get there, a place of rest, if we don’t ensure that 'this or that' is in place. It makes us want to rush God. And if He doesn’t show up in our time, we get upset and we take matters into our own hands. We want to control our lives and we want to control time… But we can't.  we need to respect the process. 

Lately I've been angry with God about life. My life of course. And He said nothing. In His style obviously… but what I did get was that I needed to get to a place of complete stillness, a place of rest. Also, I must stop having so much expectations for myself and let God take the lead. Because I’m anxious. All the time. So I asked myself… Do I even know where to start with letting God lead...? What does that even mean? And all of this was happening, while I was having one of my fairly regular conversations with myself…or with God... I often have those. A lot of time alone, tends to do that to a person...ask me, I know. 

For a very long time now, I’ve been asking myself the question:  when will I start?  What are you so afraid of? You see, I’ve noticed that I keep putting myself in situations that I really cannot afford, but I always have hope that it will work out. What can I say, I'm a hopeful person.  Actually, I'm hopeless. I’m hopeless when it comes to matters of the heart... like relationships, or our passion, or our religion. So it has been pointed out to me that it seems as if I can somehow only manage to do one of the three at a time. Ideally, we should be able to balance all three these simultaneously (God/passion/life), but I have not been able to and that has had me run into a brick wall every single time. I always seem to pick one, over commit and run with it... but I never quite finish... then I take one of the others... then I take one of the others... depending on whether it will yield fruit... I end up ignoring my "plan" and devise a new one... one better suited for what I want to happen... I somehow think my plan is better...so I just never win. I asked God why this happens to me...? And the answer was that I'm too anxious about life... I always want things to be quick, I want to move on, get done with school, get the job, the girl, the family, and end up in heaven. Although, in the midst of all this rushing, I’m always hopeful. I hope to see the beauty... the beauty of the authentic life... the realness of its hardships and the joys of its successes... there is where life is... and there is where I want to be... only thing is, I want to get there so badly that I forget to enjoy it now... after all, life is happening now.

For me, right now though, I feel very destructive,  and it makes me not wanting people around because I’m afraid I’m going to hurt them... but I love having people in my life... I need people...we all need people.  Me, not wanting people would be similar to someone denying their love for swimming and water, and so, refuses to swim because of 'this or that'. That sound absurd right? Denying one’s self of such a simple and innocent pleasure of life. So for me now, I need to seriously look at why I think I feel destructive...?

So this is where I'm at now... at the ground zero and I'm hopeful. And I'll remain hopeful... hoping that I'll get to a place where I can do all three these things together: God, me and life/ relationship,  passion, religion... tough question to ask on top of the already tough questions asked... So I have to start with, who am I... again. And that probably starts with letting God lead, or rather trusting Him more with my life. Accepting that He has forgiven me... accepting the hope of magic and the beauty He boasts about... accepting my wrongs and imperfections, but like really dig into them and uproot them. Be completely honest with myself about my capabilities, what can I do, what can’t I do… what do I need to do, what don’t I need. Who do I want to be, who do I want people to see, who do I want to be for the person, a person that might want to be with me… And while I'm doing that, figuring all this out, using my time and God’s expertise, I believe that I should then, in those trying moments, catch a glimpse of the promise of happiness, because I'll have hope. And I'll continue hoping for as long as I can breathe... 

One thing about me though is that I always think more of people than what is presented... and that is why I hope. I always hope that we are better than what we give ourselves credit for. I think most of the time we are just too scared so we hide, or we find distractions or we disregard our inner being and we succumb to greed and power or the lack thereof, so we have no passion and no ambition. But I hope. And so I’ll continue hoping. I'll hope in God, I'll hope in humanity and I'll hope in the beauty of two very individual people coming together in the name of love. Love, being this perfect concept... And with God being love, He obviously knows how to do it perfectly... yet I hope that we as humans can emulate that. As we do with our kids and some with each other and upon hearing about these stories, the ones where love and humility are victorious, those things restore and fuel my hope. Maybe I'm too hopeful, maybe I believe in fairy dust and unicorns... just maybe... or maybe I'm just like you, trying to figure this thing out... only difference is that for me, hope is like a compass.

I have been wondering... what am I going to do in that moment... the moment when the opportunity arises for me to not be destructive? How does that feel? What impact would such a decision make on one’s life? I think I'm scared to find out. So I have to hold onto hope. And I'll have hope the next time and the next time... and I'll hope because it's all I've got. So why am I writing this to you...? Because I want to remind you of hope and I want to encourage you to hope. You see the light at the end of the tunnel, or the silver lining on the cloud, or the person phoning you, ends up being the person you wanted to phone you…  That is hope and that is what our eyes and ears need to be fixed on. And we shouldn't forget that sometimes life is about the fairy dust and the cupids, and believing in it does bring a certain kind of comfort… and maybe just maybe, when a little believe is thrown in the mix… then that’s where life starts to get direction. 

So where to start?  For me, I think it starts with me, being honest with me about me.  God will do the rest.

Redefine

As I'm longing for that one connection

I sought to find the truth

Overrun by anxiety and tons of tension

This heart knew what to do

I packed up and set out

Foot after foot careful not to stumble

I opened my ears and i shut my mouth

Learnt these lessons and remained humbled

I spoke up and I feared no lies

I broke the mold, all ready to build

Command it into existence and rise

No compromises, my zeal will not wilt.

I've learnt to stay in contention

I've learnt to put my fists up to fight

The battle is only as weak as the soldier

Take heart, take sword; be love, be light.

Restored

You show me that I'm adequate

still i feel as if I'm not

This disbelief is taunting me, doubt keeps haunting me

But these lies are promises not

Aware of this I seek to find

The meaning, my meaning... this strife

Where could it be? Please show me where to find it ...this dictionary to life...

Please help me to define this:  who am I? Cut me with your knife...

Slowly but surely, I feel you warmly

Peeling back, layer by layer by layer

Calling out the what's-holding-me

Looking past the flaws, drawing out the gold in me...

I try to reciprocate, I feel I fall short

But you pick me up again and again and with a deep penetrative word you affirm me...

"You are good enough.", you said, and as I clutched that, I swallowed the knob in my throat...

I am good enough.

Erudite

Read all the books

Read between the lines

Every word a trigger

A memory of what once was

We read all the books

We drew all the lines

And as we got bigger

Hearts still fixed on the past

They were the books

They might have drawn the lines

Love learns life with vigor

Life inhales, the fare, fast

She was the book

She was the line

Held my breath and digged her

To hold her hand I asked

I am the book. I am the line.

With eyes wide shut I seeked her

Wished that I could need her;

Loved that I could read her…

her name, her mind, her heart.

 

#Hashtag: flipping_the_script

To make decisions is a never-ending endeavor, learning to make the right ones is crucial to living a happier life. As human beings we probably make a million decisions in a lifetime, some good, some bad and most others probably just brushed off as normal. The thing about making a decision though is that it doesn’t just affect today and tomorrow but also where we go… so our future and our direction.  Our where and our when, but I would like to add that I have found that with the decision also comes an idea of ‘How?’…  ‘How am I going to do this?’, ‘How am I going to do that?’ … almost like before we decide we want to know that there will be a certain degree of comfort, not a bad thing at all but cannot be a substitute for happiness. I want to make decisions based on merit but at the same time stand at risk for change - change of situation, change of heart, change of perception, change of mind – all necessary good changes.  I want to live my life knowing that where I’m heading is safe and but at the same time not really know past a certain point so I can always leave room for curiosity, change and adventure.  So like know that I might get married, but not when or to who, know that I’ll live here, work there, have kids, drive a car, own a house, plan for it but not to the point where it exterminates the fun and the excitement but rather offer it as uncomfortable change (which is exciting in its own rights) as my life is expanding and I’m evolving into the mature being of choice. I recently did a series of photos on Instagram (@jinjerjim) about doors and how it symbolically represents decisions and new adventure, but I also added that we don’t always know what’s behind the doors until we go for it and open them, and the mystery and excitement lies in that… one of my previous blog entries, ‘Doors’, is a poetic representation of this thought…  Personally I trust God to help me make my decisions.  This is my story and this is how decision making has changed my life… 

It’s almost  year ago that I have had to make one of the biggest and most daunting decisions of my life ever…  truth is, I could not have made the decision if it wasn’t for the fact that I had a lot of time alone just meditating on all the possibilities and outcomes of it… one thing that became very clear to me was that, even though I pray a lot and love God, we sometimes need to just take a position and make a decision and just jump into it head first, kind of part of us exercising our free will and also very much part of the fact that God wants us to trust Him as much as He trusts us to be able to make our own decisions. This brought me to a place where I looked at the possibilities of my life for my life and it was almost as if I could see it (my life) playing out as fine, and it was at that moment right there and then that I came to this thought… fine is not good enough for this me, in fact, fine was never going to be enough and as such I needed to do things differently with my life, I need to change it from fine to fantastic. I came to this idea, the idea to ‘flip the script’ on my life and to completely trust God for the outcome. Did this mean that I’m now taking control of my own destiny and totally disregarding God, no not at all, this ‘flipping the script’ idea just meant adjusting my thinking, adjusting how I am, still the same person,  but I just approach life differently. I still rely on God to be my future and my inspiration but I am more intentional about my decision making and I’m always making sure it is for the benefit of my journey with God and other people. So what is ‘Flipping the Script’ all about?

Change. 

I had to change. And to do that I had to instill some sound principles in my life and that was not a walk in the park; but then again, nothing in life worth something ever really is… my journey started with getting rid of some bad habits, first and foremost, some of which I have mentioned in previous blog entries (I do it cause I’m lonely…blah blah blah) …those were ‘easier’… the ones I found most difficult were and still are the ones that kind of changes one’s character… how you treat people, how you view people, what is important to people, what is important to you, how do you view yourself, are you conducting your life in a manner that is both pleasing to you and to those looking at you, learning from you and more importantly depending on you?  How can one match up to all of that and still feel authentic… especially if some of those were not really who you were previously… after countless conversations with friends and some reflecting I came across the concept of living an exemplary life – pretty standard thing to want to do.  So how does one do that?  What does it mean to live an exemplary life…or is it a life style? What does it entail? Is it about contributing to how people are living, is it about setting an example for and to the people I come in contact with on a daily basis? Not that I am this super famous influential celebrity, but I do encounter various walks of people every day through various means and mediums, be it social media or in real life, especially in real life… and so many people have so many different stories to share and so many of them are living out their stories right now… am I listening? Am I being there for them? Leading them by how and who I am, or am I just leading them astray with my own selfish little thwarts? Would that be exemplary living…would that be authentic? Or what is it to live an exemplary life? In short, I would say that one way is serving and caring about other people so much that it changes who you are for the better. I think that is real…I think it’s the real you…I think that is authentic.  So does one just wake up and do this? I wish… it takes time and lots of reflecting about who you are and I would think that that would be a life-long process. What I have learnt is that it consists mainly of self-sacrifice and selflessness…pretty much everything that’s against our selfish narcissistic human nature…

Personally, the first of these big changes I had to instill were to put in place sound principles and boundaries to protect myself and other people from contradicting the life I aim to lead…not as easy as I thought, stumbling blocks come in many forms and sizes and you learn it the hard way all the way as you grow… things like disappointments, disagreements, rejection and many more are challenges faced when basing a life on principles. The question I had to ask myself though was… What is it about living a life on principles and setting boundaries, that is so detrimental to forming a new you, a fresh you, a ‘flipping the script’ you…? The answer was and still is: it makes life so much easier.  It started with small steps at a time, deciding to not eat certain things and to not drink carbonated drinks (including alcohol) and not smoking… almost in a sense denying my bodily desires for immediate satisfaction… then the bigger steps, after I have learnt to say ‘no’ to myself… came the thoughts of emotional desires, the need to have a girlfriend, female companion, ‘someone that understands me, that I can share emotions with’ …the lie, a lie, yes I do need someone but really not right now and definitely not because I feel I need one every other day… most days I’m content with being on my journey of ‘hating beauty’ and finding myself… other days, and they are far and few apart, I just miss the idea of a girlfriend but even more so the idea of the things you do with someone… conversations, laughter, romantic inspirations, dinners, movies, outings and just plain old comfort and friendship…  all valid but all also not necessary to rush… so I had to make peace with the idea of waiting but that meant putting in boundaries on how I communicate with women… how I say, what I say, what I do, how I do… all to protect them and myself… but as I said it’s not always as easy as black and white and you learn and you get up and you continue growing…very interesting the thoughts one’s brains go through… found myself once getting really low-spirited because the idea of ending up with no-one really got to me, I thought that if I’m ‘friend-zoning’ every one… who will I get? More importantly… how will I know it’s her?  ...and so we learn to trust in the Creator, my God and savior, Jesus, and as long as I trust Him I shall put no foot wrong…

Let’s get carried away, but let’s remain authentic.

This idea is solely based on trusting God to lead us. It is like a good friend of mine said to me, ‘if we can see beyond the gulf then we won’t need God to direct and protect us’, but I do need Him, and so I will trust Him and make my decisions. I should be bold enough to trust Him that it’ll be fine; I must be daring and courageous, adventurous and excited about life but also be securely grounded in Him. If things don’t work out (which they sometimes don’) I must know that God is still good.   The decision to Flip the Script on my life has led to many new things that I find myself doing all the time, just by thinking about things differently I enter into almost like a new realm of living or thinking. Blogging for me is a resultant of ‘Flipping the Script’, moving out and deciding to live on my own as well. The beauty of ‘Flipping the Script’ is this: it causes a ripple effect, one decision influences others but at the same time presents you with new possibilities, options that would never have availed themselves if things just remained the same. I read once that if one wants to make a change in one’s life that you must adhere to these three fundamentals: start immediately, do it flamboyantly and lastly there should be no exceptions…no exceptions...what does that even mean…?  It means take the risk, risk the change and enjoy the fruits of living a life that you know you want to… It’s about living a better life, making better decisions, making sure you’re living a healthy fun life. Not saying that alcohol and cigarettes will deny you that in any way but it got in my way and it can get in your way. Not saying having a girlfriend or partner will deter you from that at all, in fact I’d encourage anyone to pursue someone, but only if that is going to make both your lives better. It’s not about where you stay or where you are in life, but it is definitely about stepping out of your comfort zone and challenging yourself to step up and into the life you know you desire. Change is good and change is constant so the easiest thing we can do is to progressively embrace it. One step always leads to another, why not make those steps a better step each time. The goal is exemplary living, I’m striving towards, with up-hills every day, but I feel that if I continue trying I’ll have an impact on someone’s life someday and that will matter, because my steps will be well calculated and dependent on God, the ultimate exemplary life to follow.

Brave, Bold and Different

The thing about Flipping the Script is that it is flamboyant and risk taking and exciting and exhilarating, but more than that, Flipping the Script is more than just doing things differently; it is more than just applying things to your life to change you. It is more than just a philosophy or a theory; it is more than just a lifestyle and it is definitely not about changing who you are. At the same time it is also more than just a behavior change or a habitual change it is almost something transcendent, a paradigm shift, almost like living the alternative you you’ve always wanted to live out… Flipping the Script is an understanding that brings about change to your life, it is a way of thinking that implies doing things differently, and it encourages behaving differently. It in turn becomes a philosophy or a way of living, a manifestation of a lifestyle, it is who you are and not about becoming someone else but more so a better version of you, the real you, more authentic and definitely more real… and as I said it’s not about changing you, it is about enhancing who you are, a you that you can fully live out without any contradiction. Flipping the Script is a principle, apply it and help yourself live a better life.  Let’s flip from comfort to real. Let’s be real. Let’s change lives.